"What Went Wrong In Dreamland"

Tony Poems

(Part One)

Given an occurrence we have all gone through, the termination of a love relationship can be a very miserable experience. Certainly, one of the two persons involved always seems to suffer more, as throughout the involvement, similarly one gave more, took more, cared more, was the more aggressive in an intimate sense, on, ad infinitum.

Please find herein a group of writings entitled "Tony Poems," written by one such man (the author) who (then) lost a lover. These poetic thoughts are the progression of an individual''s sporadic rumination over the absence of a much-loved being. Through their grief, and belief in the healing quality of time's passage, this stricken poet attempts to seek life anew without the one so painfully missed.

Love at first sight was the beginning of my deep, emotional involvement with Tony. After meeting on a late summer's eve in a busy, Cape Cod piano bar in 1977, we were literally spending all of our time together four days later, a cohabitation that lasted until early 1981. Instantly, from the first few moments of our horizontal embraces, he became a sexual deity to me, indeed, someone very special, I unable to partake of enough of him, either physically or mentally. I sought to devour his being here, body and spirit, taking all of his warmth and wonder within me. I wanted to make his personable presence as much a part of me as my most vital organ, that is to say, having him beside me for all remaining time. And, up until a point 'after' his unexpected departure three and one-half years later, so I believed this could be. 'We,' along with a rare few, would be the 'lasting' exception.

So, What Went Wrong In Dreamland? Did it begin when I was often away from home on business, and one night our phone rang unanswered until morning, he telling me on my return it was "out of order!" Could my feelings have begun to change the evening two years into our relationship when I returned home early from a trip to the Far East to find 'our' bed, the sacred communion alter of our love, occupied by Tony and 'friend.' Or, after my fidelity for the duration of our sleeping together, was the final stroke of demise struck when I contracted venereal disease?

Notwithstanding any of this soul searching with guilt on my part, when the memory of what was lingered on so clearly, and with so much more hurt, I tried to think back, to discover what it was that happened, that is to say, exactly what "I" did wrong? But the greater the effort put toward seeking this out, the more the wonderful moments we shared together appeared before me, and I became more troubled and seemingly comprehended much less than I did before.

I truly did not understand the psychological intricacies of why we 'fell apart,' and this, saying I knew myself, and the man whose physical desires and mind I believed to understand 'almost' as well as my own. Perhaps, the only truth I will ever have, as a rational thinking person who cannot help but seek after the same, out of all that is past and what I once believed in and found was not to be so, the fact may be I laid without him, 'then,' as much as I do 'now.' And, as is case with the infinite aspects of cosmic life, that is to say those things which I am not to understand, so I must accept this separation. The one I loved w yet another of those 'happenings' in life over which we mortals have no control. It is very much like the death of a loved one. This travesty must be blindly accepted. In lieu of the fact that I was then so very much alone, what else was there for me to do?

I am not perfect, on occasion (more than) difficult to live with, and very career orientated in holding the belief that at my then youthful age, job came first and foremost ... always! But truly, when I fell 'in' love, this very 'first time,' experiencing emotional feeling of affection and caring never before felt for another individual, so I did so with all my heart. Though my partner professed love, caring, fidelity, was I to fault his dishonesty in honor given my frequent travels away from home? Was I to expect faithfulness for weeks in duration, after our promise to each other of the same? Indeed, Tony was an exceptionally handsome man, and often desired by others! I would suppose, given the promiscuity and readily available, easy sex in my chosen life, that I was not!

Though I said I would have taken him back on a moment's notice, I knew in my heart, in the end and after pondersome deliberation, I would not. I had no choice but to move on, ahead, without him, again making the most of myself, in this unfortunately acquired, single state. Experience teaches what once was, can never be again.

Still, my heart would yearn, with a sincere sense of love and tenderness that will never be forgotten. As time passes, and this regrettable loneliness finally retires to certain memory, so the reality of what is past fades into a continuing on with my 'own' life, and in those things I naturally, so I found companionable happiness once again.

Twenty odd years ago, as I stared out of an office window high atop the Chicago skyline, or from an airplane en route to having to make a living, so Tony, my love, was an important part of my then, wonderful and happy past. And, ever so often, he returned to me in the following ways.

"The Window"

I stare out the window of my twenty-fifth floor office
Across the megalopolis
And all I 'see' is the spirit of Tony
Floating before me
His smile and laughter
The good times we shared
In a once that seems like so very long ago.

He is gone now, gone forever
And yet within me
In that deeply rooted part wherein lies hurt
And not understanding
So he lingers on ... as does the love we shared
A love I was naive enough to believe would last forever.
What a fool this mortal Joel must be!

The book has 295 poems, and is 106 single spaced pages in length.

Contact Us For More Details

To Order
Just Click

Copyright 2004

No part of this material may be reproduced, stored in a retrival system,
or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, or otherwise,
witout the written permission of the author.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data